NEW YORK, N.Y., Oct. 11 — This Court of Inquiry in the Home Office in the Bronx, Honorable Ghosts of Yankees past presiding, is in session. Yankee fans, how do you plead?
“What? How do we plead? You gotta be kiddin’. A lot of things went wrong last night, but it certainly wasn’t our fault? Sheppard started the festivities off too late, for one thing, not announcing the band until 7:39. And the Brien McMahon Senators High School Marching Band (Norwalk, CT), they were a little flat. True, I didn’t listen to them, nor did I cheer, but it coulda been that.
“Or maybe it was that whole patriotism thing, starting with Neil Diamond’s ‘Coming to America’ at 7:51. And the rescue heroes assembled around home plate, from Port Authority Police to representatives of the Departments of Sanitation and Transporation, officials from FEMA and the Office of Emergency Management, the NYPD and FDNY firefighters. Or the cadets from New York Maritime College at Fort Schuyler, 39 of whom held the giant American flag in short center field, just beyond the color guards of both the NYPD and the FDNY.
“Certainly it couldn’t have been Yogi and Scooter and more heroes, throwing out the ceremonial first pitch; their winning pedigree is well proven. And Merrill on ‘America the Beautiful,’ Max Von Essen on the National Anthem, and NYPD Officer Ann-Marie Moloney on ‘God Bless America’ (7th inning)–each and every one moved me to tears, along with the always inspiring view of Challenger soaring from the black seats in center to the pitcher’s mound.
“Well then, how about the Yankee offense, just not showing up like that? Of course, they did seem to threaten in virtually every inning, so that exhaustion I feel this morning wasn’t just from the anguish of watching that ugly yellow (Note to Donovan: ‘Mellow Yellow’ it ain’t!) running around the base paths. Three runs, 10 hits. That would have won most World Series games last year! And Bernie, even though he had a tough night, well, he did really bust it on that potential double play in the eighth to save Tino’s at bat, and give us all hope. Chuck, Derek, Jorge and Alfonso were great, and Pauly stung an ‘at-em’ in the eighth and had some very professional at bats. Scott didn’t do a lot, yes, and Justice! Three K’s, true, but that catch on Hernandez in the right-center alley leading off the sixth–certainly Box 622 envisioned it rolling to the wall. And he busted on that pivotal play in the fifth, where DeMuth called him out for running in the baseline.
“Aha! That’s it! It was the umps. Certainly the blame belongs to them. We didn’t get a break all night, and it felt like it was 15 guys on the field vs. nine for us. But Reed at third, between the Jeremy Giambi double in the second and Alfonso’s attempted steal in the third, well, he probably got one of them right. And though I’m all for the ghost of Ted Henry haunting DeMuth for the rest of his days, as I have said before, if even the view of David’s butt affected Ramon Hernandez’s play in the least, the call is technically correct (even if it smacks of that “letter of the law” Sister Mary Perfect thing, as in ‘Well, you have all cleared your desks on time, but Johnny Smith didn’t have his hands folded in front of him on his desk, so no ice cream today’ school of right and wrong.
“Roger certainly pitched (and played the field) well enough to win, and isn’t it ironic that he saved so many runs on flagging shots back toward the mound down hit so hard, but came up lame on the Damon topper in the fourth? And Sterling threw two meatballs, but made a nifty escape in the fifth. And Stanton looked real good. Who are we going to blame last night on anyway?”
“Hmmm. Temp of 63, humidity 54, clear evening in the Bronx, October baseball, with many heroes and few villains? The court finds there’s no crime here. Although only one month after the most horrific event any of us has ever witnessed, it would be nice to think that the thousands who yelled, ‘USA’ all night, virtually at the drop of a hat, could find it in themselves to show a little sportsmanship and not boo every opponent announced pregame. But our jurisdiction doesn’t include human nature, which is too bad, because the 15 or 20 so self-involved as not to observe the requested moment of silence, well, they’re sentenced to live with themselves.
“This court finds that, in reality, it was a very good ballgame, that any litigation about it would be foolish and frivolous, and sentences one and all to start it up again this very evening, same time, same place.”..
YANKEE BASEBALL!!!