Bronx, N.Y., April 25, 2011 – I can’t help but wonder what column I would be writing now if the Yanks had done nothing more than returned from a short road trip and “entertained” their fans with a flat offense that barely threatened to score Monday night. Philip Humber, whose biggest notoriety in the sport preceding this one may have been that he was one of several unremarkable chips the Mets sent to Minnesota several years ago for Johan Santana, dominated Yankee bats with an assortment of effective pitches, and he did not allow a hit until Alex Rodriguez singled following a one-out Mark Teixeira walk in the seventh.

Earlier Alex had lined out to Carlos Quentin in deep right center following a Curtis Granderson walk, as it turned out the only real chance the home team had to plate a run all night. The Rodriguez liner and single represented two of the four balls the Yanks struck hard against Humber in seven frames, with Nick Swisher, in the second, and Derek Jeter, in the fourth, each lining out the opposite way (Nick to left, Derek to right) for the other two. Humber threw 65 of 100 pitches for strikes and poured in 16 first-pitch strikes to 24 Yankee batters. He retired just two Yankees on ground balls the first four frames, but allowed the Yankees to hit into eight of nine outs in the fifth through seventh on the ground, the only nongrounder coming on a swinging strike out of Robinson Cano after Tex annd A-Rod had reached in the seventh.

Yes, it would have been no fun to report on that, or on the futile singles the Bombers stroked in the eighth and ninth innings against hard-throwing relievers in the White Sox pen. Pinch hitter Eric Chavez reached Sergio Santos for a one-base hit with two down in the eighth, only to have Jeter bounce harmlessly back to the box two pitches later. And the ninth was the most frustrating – on offense – inning of all, as the crowd arose with hope once Curtis Granderson led off with a hard single to right. The team was down 2-0 now, twice what they had been after the visitors scored a run on an out in the fourth inning. But a second tally crossed against Rafael Soriano in the top of the ninth. Following Grandy’s hit, Mark Teixeira got ahead in the count 2-0, but then promptly bounced into a 3-6-1 twin killing, and Rodriguez fanned while stumbling to the dirt to end the game.

Yes, that would have been discouraging to write about, but the task sinks to a whole new level of angst when discussing why the score was 2-0 when Alex struck out. A.J. Burnett brought his “A” game to the mound Monday night, even if he did get into the disturbing habit of falling behind 2-0 to batters in the second inning. A walk and single had him in trouble that frame, but he pitched out of it with harmless fly outs around a swinging strike out of the identically initialed A.J. Pierzynski. Burnett went eight innings, matching what CC Sabathia had given Joe Girardi’s tired pen Saturday in Baltimore. Allowing just three hits and two walks, he deserved to walk off the mound in a tied game.

But aye, there’s the rub. The reason this one is doubly painful to accept is that the two teams should still be playing this game now as I type, because although both Chicago tallies are rightfully recorded as earned runs, neither would have scored if the Yankee defense came near to matching its pitching. A.J. fell behind Quentin 3-0 leading off the top of the fourth, got a called strike, then the White Sox right fielder lined one to short center. The usually superb Granderson not only misjudged this ball badly; once he broke back it seemed to take forever to reverse his momentum. What should have been a routine catch fell in for a hit, but making matter worse, the ball got by the desperately driving forward Yankee center fielder so Quentin cruised into second, a key point because two fielder’s choice grounders delivered the game’s first run, which would not have happened had he simply reached first base. Upping the frustration even a bit more, Robinson Cano may have had a play at the plate on Adam Dunn’s hard one-hopper, but the team played back conceding the run, and nobody in the park believed the Yanks would never punch one across of their own.

And alas, run No. 2 in the ninth inning was no prettier. This is not to say that Rafael Soriano, finally pitching an inning in the Bronx where the ball was not frozen into his right hand, did well. He did allow a walk and a hard rbi single while in there, but the leadoff “single” that led to the run was a seemingly harmless infield popup that would have hit Soriano on the head had he backed off the mound rather than stepping forward and clearing the way for his infielders. Jeter, who belatedly made a run at the ball, and whose position was nearest to the landing spot, broke late. Surely this was his play to make, but Cano never broke in toward the pop at all.

Burnett was quite good, with a 67/41 strikes/balls raatio, although the 14-14 on first-pitch strikes reflected the 2-0-itis he developed early on. He struck out just two, and should have been reached for just two singles. He retired 14 batters with ground balls and seven with flies in eight innings. And the Yankee offense was even worse than its defense. Seven of nine starters had oh-fers at the plate, and they twice killed chances by bouncing into double plays, but soft ground balls are what I’ll be counting as I close my eyes on this one and try to get some sleep. The 0-for-2 Gardner did make a fine catch on a sinking Juan Pierre liner starting the sixth, and Teixeira and Cano teamed for a nifty 3-4 at first base to retire the bunting Pierre in the third.

On this day in 1956, rising phenom Elvis Presley struck gold as his megahit Heartbreak Hotel reached No. 1 on the charts. Fifty-five years later, 40,000 disappointed Yankee fans sat and watched a ballgame where the conditions, though not great, were bearable.

But the Heartbreak Home Game wasn’t.

YANKEE BASEBALL!!!